Dad

5.14.18

Mr. Lloyd Pants

It is with great sadness accompanied by dignified honor that I offer this small token of love by posting this post wishing Happy Father's Day to the man I deeply love and honor to call my dad and aspirator, my dear and beloved dad, Mr. Lloyd "Pants" Edwards.

Good Man. Good Father. Good Person.

My Dad, Mr. Edwards, was very, very, very good man and father. He took care of his responsibilities and provided for his children and grandchildren, his step-children and their children__ his loved ones and friends up until his passing. My father was a man of extreme kindness and compassion. He had a giving soul.

*My Dad was a true entrepreneur, with an incredible work ethic. My Dad was one of the most fashionable/stylist custom tailor __ with one of the best wardrobing ever seen__ during his life growing up in Kingston, Jamaica.

* My Dad had friends and associates all over the Caribbean's Islands, especially in Jamaica from the coastline's tip of Port-Royal to the affluent suburbs of St. James and St. Ann.

* My Dad was a very handsome man with chiseled face and a Jay Leno's chin which my name sake son seemed to have inherited.

* My Dad was adored by his family and beloved by others. I've watched my Dad at work in his business, and been impressed and fascinated.

* My Dad was a wonderful person, a flamboyant, out-going, and down-to-earth. He had a vision, and really made magic happen(ed).

* My dad was an elegant man with big dreams ahead and he wanted it not only for himself but for his family.


                                                                 Murdered

Sadly, my Dad was murdered during the weekend of the Caribbean J'ouvert  celebration on Labor Day 1982 in Brooklyn, New York(USA).

*And on that sad day, I realized that something had gone horribly awry __ terribly wrong. And for the first time in my life I was alone and really in need for my Dad.

*It was a very disbelief moment... it just never once occurred to me or our family that this would have happened. I was actually disappointed. The anticipated future with my Dad I had so prized was replaced with mourning: bitterness and pain.

                                                      Gone but Never Forgotten

The murdered of my Dad was a loss that pained me in more ways than I could say.

* There is not a day that goes by when I do not missed my Dad; and desired his love and security.

* For many, many, many, years following my Dad passing(murdered!) I couldn't thought of my Dad without crying ___ which was every day ___ tears of pain would flow from my eyes. Those painful tears reminded me of life __ a life I could have had.


                                                               Mourning Vipers

I remember at my Dad's funeral how it was tense, awkward, sad, and demotivating for me.

* As I stood there in the presence of evil, looking out at the pretentious mourners and vipers how evidence had indicated, at the time that hidden amongst the grieving crowd were the people who may had been responsible (in some ways or another) for my Dad demised.

* Indeed, there was a widely held assumption of complicity on his envious colleagues, and business partner's part.


                                                                 Painful Grieving

As I stood there in that cemetery, at my Dad's burial service, grieving, I felt disassociated, vulnerable, responsible, manipulated, worthless and humiliated. I, I, I ... was sad and revulsed.

* As the cloud of sadness, shame, fear, and anxiety penetrated the fortress of my heart, I fought the urges not to cry, not because I didn't want to show my vulnerability and let others know that I was genuinely sad and upset; but, because at the time I was so hurting that my tears had frozen in the energy of darkness. So I just stood there, unprepared, stone-faced, and silently anchored by pain.


                                                                 Mind Unraveling

As the service was winding down, I remember stepping from the anxiety of the circumstances into the solitude among some secluded branches of tree and large showy flowers where by myself, gripped by debilitating fear, my anxiety rose to the surface ____ my mind unraveled _____ I closed my eyes, and silent tears streamed down my face ___ and they wouldn't stop. I felt a combination of bitterness and evil. It was almost unbearable, it was a moment of disbelief. I felt inadequate. I was filled with grief.


                                                                    Fill with Grief

Filled with grief while trying to hold on to hope, my pain brought me to my knees and showed me the true meaning of helplessness __ and hopelessness.

* I just could not understood, intellectually at least, why that atrocity happened to such a good, generous man. It broke my heart. I felt like my Dad did not deserve this: my family did not deserve this.


                                                                   Devastating Effects

My Dad murder had a devastating effect on my life. It was awful for me and the family. I was bitter and angry. I felt like the family ___ my family __ was slighted, disrespected, and stepped on.

* I wanted revenge: something kept tugging at my soul, saying, "you have to get the people who were responsible for this" but I did nothing.

* Not having the necessary tools or resources to help me move through the grieving process, at the time, I got stuck for years in pain __ and it remained painful until this day.

                               
                                                                   Everything to Me

I adored my dad. My Dad means everything to me ___ but more important ____ he symbolized to me, the importance of a relating engaging father present in his kids' lives.

* During the course of our lives, we need our dads. Without our Dads a lot of us ability to complete life task falls significantly.

* Our Dads are a great source of teaching ___ of compassionate observation, clear communication and unconditional support _ _ _ they can also be great source of discipline, compassion and patience. Our Dads help us to find balance and focus as we move step by step in life.

* Having an engaging relatable, inspirational Dad with a mixture of key talent, work ethic, positivity and kindness who feed your soul and nourish your mind is a rich complement to our lives.


                                                                           Gratitudes

Over the past 30-years of my incarceration where I've survived off the left-over breadcrumbs of affection, despite of all the suffering and regrets, it's hard for me not to feel gratitude for my Dad.

* As I think of my Dad today, I am fill with gratitude for the experiences and intimate friendships we share, and the memories he gave me.

* And even when I'd risen my mom and his stress-hormones, and he had seen me at my worst, his love for me had never waver or faded ___ he cared for me and loved me more than any father would.


                                                                    Cherish and Revered

The appeal of a good Dad is clear. A good Dad should be cherish and revered, and that is why today in honor of, first: my Dad second; to all the responsible Dads in the free world, especially those that made a difference in their kids and family lives; and, third, to all the devoted, trying Dads who in their limited capacities and dedicated unprecedented efforts, tried their best to provided and to be a good father, like myself, but due to unperceived circumstances and bad unintended intention and/or bad choices, they fell short. I want to honor you all and wish you all prosperity, freedom, peace and a Happy Happy Fathers Day. Happy Fathers Day Dads!!
and a special, special Happy father's Dad to my Dad and Sons. I love you all.

Also thanks to:
*My step-father, Mr. Winstan Smith Sr.;
*Uncle Arthur. sailor & shipworker on the renowned Caribbean rescue ship station in Kingston's harbor, 1960s- 70s;
*Mr. Patrick, school teacher/principal of St. Michael all age school, Rae Town, 1970's-80's
*Jiggle, rollerskating ring's owner, former politician and PNP activist, friend & father;
*Unnamed politician/constructor,(friend and political supporter of the Matalons __ 1960s-70s). builder of Portmore and greater Portmore _ __;
*And many other Fathers who had made significant impact in my life.

Thank You.

Mr. Delroy Edwards

MAJOR MOMS

4.30.18

A special Happy 2018 birthday and Mother's Day to a very special lady my incredible mom, Mrs. Veronica Smith. Happy Birthday Mom! I congratulate you on your 78th Birthday__ and, Mom I apologize for not being home for you. I Love You Mom.

Also, even though every mom is special and earned and deserves our love. I want to send a special round of applause, shout out, high five and praises(s) to all effective, inspirational, compassionate, loving and beautiful mothers from: Jamaica, America, Australia, Netherlands, England, and South Africa whom have shown significant attributes as providers and supporters __ and who have taught their children how to believe in their dreams and to fight for them. You all know who you are. You all are a light to the world. There isn't enough time or space here to list my gratitude and appreciations. You ladies/mothers will forever be remembered for your exceptional magic unselfishness and love. You all will always have a special place in my heart.

Thank You all for being a part of my life. Thank You.

And because character matters, as promised, Happy Mother's Day also to Sandra. My baby mother.

Again, Happy Birthday Mom, for your consistent love and support___ and most important, for being who you are. Love You.


From Mr. Edwards